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There's a sentence in the men's therapeutic work this writing draws on that is simple enough to read in five seconds and complex enough to spend years understanding: It is the Dad that makes the difference in the relationship. Not the kid.

A father holds a newborn aloft. And says, simply: Mine. Not a legal declaration. Not a performance for the room. Not a sentimental moment for the photo album. A spiritual commitment. The kind of statement that opens something in the child that nothing else can open. One word. It does more than most fathers realize.

We talk about fatherhood as a noun. A status. A fact of biology. You became a father the moment the child arrived, and that fact is permanent — it's right there on the birth certificate.

Most boys and men do not know how important their love is to their father. They don't know that their love makes a difference.